Silent All These Years

Welcome to my blog. This has been a long time in coming. Thus, the first post: “Silent all these years.” Because I have been here, but the symbolism of this act is about  finding, claiming, and owning my voice and space. This act of courage terrifies  me. I want my contribution to be thoughtful, perfect, flawless; I am afraid of what the vulnerability might mean. Yet the reality is, my silence is not devoid of my presence, for I have been here. But this, this writing, is as others have said, about speaking myself into the existence I know inside. This act of imperfection is about my owning my own pen and authoring my own story. Welcome to the journey.

I will begin in 1992 when the artist Tori Amos released a song Silent All These Years. It was, and remains popular to this day.

Fast forward to 2000. I was a sophomore in college, trying to find my own voice. I was living with a lot of self-doubt and self-hatred. I felt I was a mistake. I was destroyed and devastated; disillusioned with the faith and God I had lived and breathed my 18 years prior.

Fast forward again to 2010. I am at a coffee shop in Minneapolis with a dear friend. The lights are dim and the night is vibey. The song comes on. I am brought back to that moment; I am suddenly in the room again with my 19 year old self as she is crying in her dorm with the candles lit,  wondering at her own meaning. And I say to her, lovingly: “Oh Sara, you knew even then. You were alive and strong even then. I love you.”

Hearing my voice is tied to my self-love and self-compassion. It is about being willing to risk everything to speak. It is about my own need to be human. And it is my own deep hope that my speaking becomes a space where others find the ability to find their own voices as well.

Cuz what if I’m a mermaid? But I’ve been here….I am here. I have always been here.

Yes, I can hear…

To the journey of voicing. I will say more about this…

 

Tori Amos- Silent All these Years

Excuse me, but can I be you for a while?/My dog won’t bite if you sit real still/I got the Anti-christ in the kitchen yellin’ at me again/ Yes, I can hear

Been saved again by the garbage truck/I got something to say, you know, but nothing comes/ Yes, I know what you think of me, you never shut up/ Yeah, I can hear that

But what if I’m a mermaid with these jeans of his with her name still on it/Hey but I don’t care cuz sometimes, I said sometimes, I hear my voice/ And it’s been here…silent all these years.

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts/What’s so amazing about really deep thoughts?/Boy, you’d best pray that I bleed real soon/How’s that thought for you?

My scream got lost in a paper cup/ Tell me if there’s a heaven where the screams have gone/I got $25 and a cracker do you think it’s enough to get us there?

But what if I’m a mermaid with these jeans of his with her name still on it/Hey but I don’t care cuz sometimes, I said sometimes, I hear my voice/ And it’s been here…silent all these years.

Years go by, will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand?/ Years go by, if I’m stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in my head.

Years go by, and I choke on my tears until finally, there is nothing left/One more casualty, you know we’re too easy, easy, easy, easy.

Well I love the way we communicate/Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape/Let’s hear what you think of me now, but baby don’t look up/The sky is falling.

Your mother shows up in a nasty dress/And it’s your turn now to stand where I stand/Everybody looking at you, you take hold of my hand. Yeah, I can hear them

But what if I’m a mermaid with these jeans of his with her name still on it/Hey but I don’t care cuz sometimes, I said sometimes, I hear my voice/ And it’s been here…silent all these years.

I’ve been here, silent all these years. Silent all these years.

2 thoughts on “Silent All These Years

  1. I’m hoping you keep using your voice and this new blog to share your thoughts and insight with the world! You have been such an inspiration to me.

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