Silent All These Years

Welcome to my blog. This has been a long time in coming. Thus, the first post: “Silent all these years.” Because I have been here, but the symbolism of this act is about finding, claiming, and owning my voice and space. This act of courage terrifies me. I want my contribution to be thoughtful, perfect, flawless; I am afraid of what the vulnerability might mean. Yet the reality is, my silence is not devoid of my presence, for I have been here. But this, this writing, is as others have said, about speaking myself into the existence I know inside. This act of imperfection is about my owning my own pen and authoring my own story. Welcome to the journey.

I will begin in 1992 when the artist Tori Amos released a song Silent All These Years. It was, and remains popular to this day.

Fast forward to 2000. I was a sophomore in college, trying to find my own voice. I was living with a lot of self-doubt and self-hatred. I felt I was a mistake. I was destroyed and devastated; disillusioned with the faith and God I had lived and breathed my 18 years prior.

Fast forward again to 2010. I am at a coffee shop in Minneapolis with a dear friend. The lights are dim and the night is vibey. The song comes on. I am brought back to that moment; I am suddenly in the room again with my 19 year old self as she is crying in her dorm with the candles lit, wondering at her own meaning. And I say to her, lovingly: “Oh Sara, you knew even then. You were alive and strong even then. I love you.”

Hearing my voice is tied to my self-love and self-compassion. It is about being willing to risk everything to speak. It is about my own need to be human. And it is my own deep hope that my speaking becomes a space where others find the ability to find their own voices as well.

Cuz what if I’m a mermaid? But I’ve been here….I am here. I have always been here.

Yes, I can hear…

To the journey of voicing. I will say more about this…

Tori Amos- Silent All these Years

Excuse me, but can I be you for a while?/My dog won’t bite if you sit real still/I got the Anti-christ in the kitchen yellin’ at me again/ Yes, I can hear

Been saved again by the garbage truck/I got something to say, you know, but nothing comes/ Yes, I know what you think of me, you never shut up/ Yeah, I can hear that

But what if I’m a mermaid with these jeans of his with her name still on it/Hey but I don’t care cuz sometimes, I said sometimes, I hear my voice/ And it’s been here…silent all these years.

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts/What’s so amazing about really deep thoughts?/Boy, you’d best pray that I bleed real soon/How’s that thought for you?

My scream got lost in a paper cup/ Tell me if there’s a heaven where the screams have gone/I got $25 and a cracker do you think it’s enough to get us there?

But what if I’m a mermaid with these jeans of his with her name still on it/Hey but I don’t care cuz sometimes, I said sometimes, I hear my voice/ And it’s been here…silent all these years.

Years go by, will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand?/ Years go by, if I’m stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in my head.

Years go by, and I choke on my tears until finally, there is nothing left/One more casualty, you know we’re too easy, easy, easy, easy.

Well I love the way we communicate/Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape/Let’s hear what you think of me now, but baby don’t look up/The sky is falling.

Your mother shows up in a nasty dress/And it’s your turn now to stand where I stand/Everybody looking at you, you take hold of my hand. Yeah, I can hear them

But what if I’m a mermaid with these jeans of his with her name still on it/Hey but I don’t care cuz sometimes, I said sometimes, I hear my voice/ And it’s been here…silent all these years.

I’ve been here, silent all these years. Silent all these years.